I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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