I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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