dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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