you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
