When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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