I can text with my tongue
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize