whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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