You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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