My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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