yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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