I wish I could punch you in the face.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
