Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
