I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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