Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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