Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
