The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
