I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
