wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize