so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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