This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
