I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
