I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
