The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize