dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
