I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
