I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
