you traded sex for a burrito?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
