The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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