There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
