I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
