I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
