My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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