So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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