ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
