She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
