He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
