I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
