dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
