the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
