Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
