It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
