look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
