Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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