so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
