I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
