Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
