mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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