I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
