still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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