sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
