Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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