My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
