Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize