Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
