It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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