Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
