Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
