how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
