I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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