Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
