So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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