does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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