im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I think my moral compass just broke
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