cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
